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  • rebecca lian

Owning Your Power: The Prequel

Before you read, just know that publishing this post is giving me the same anxiety as sending a really vulnerable text. When I created this blog though, something I wanted to do on here was be vulnerable. The following is the shortened version of what I originally wrote, but it still feels like I'm sharing a page from my diary. I just know that I'm not the only one who has felt this way, and I want others to know that they're not alone either. If this finds meaning in anyone's heart, then it's well worth it for me. Anyway, here we go...

A couple of months ago, someone I loved hurt me deeply. Considering the history of our relationship – or more realistically, our "situationship" – I couldn’t say I was too surprised. Nevertheless, I was overcome with feelings of deceit, confusion, frustration, and disappointment, just to name a few. For over a year, I gave my all only to be consistently unsure of where I stood with him. The sad thing is that I knew it. He was honest with me upfront, basically telling me he was emotionally unavailable, but I would not listen. I just nodded and said that was okay and that we could still be together and I’d wait for him because I thought we both felt something between us. Please, I beg of you, trust someone when they say they're not ready for a relationship – just do yourself a favor and let go.

Long story short, I fought for this relationship for well more than half of the time we were together. I swear it wasn't as miserable as I’m making it sound – we had some of the best times together; there was a reason I was so persistent. Unfortunately, that is beside the point at this point. And after things ended officially (not that they ever officially started), I realized that I was never actually fighting for the relationship, because that would mean 1. There is actually a relationship, and 2. The other person is fighting for it as well. What I was really fighting for was a spot in his life, and let me tell you that is some real BS right there. Please remember, there is a difference between fighting for a relationship and fighting for a spot in someone else's life. You should never have to do the latter. That goes for all sorts of relationships, not just romantic ones. You don’t need to prove your worth to anyone.

Honestly, one of the biggest things that helped me to heal is Taylor Swift’s song "Tolerate It." When Evermore was released, I stayed up all night and watched every lyric video – because that's what normal people do, right? When I heard the line "I know my love should be celebrated, but you tolerate it," my jaw literally dropped. The song's about giving all of your best parts to someone else, and they don’t appreciate it the way someone should – they simply tolerate it. Everyone says that song is so sad, and I know it is, but it was truly healing for me because of how deeply it resonated.

I think it’s important to acknowledge that healing is not linear though, and toxic positivity is real. The last thing anyone wants to hear when they’re going through a tough time is "things will get better." Well yeah, they freakin' better! I'll admit I'm still guilty of this response we've all been taught is supposed to be comforting. Even if we know things will get better, it doesn’t make that moment any less rough, or maybe even the next day. The day after that might be a little better, but the following day might be hard again.

It’s okay to feel anything you’re feeling. Your emotions are valid. You need to sit with those feelings and allow yourself the time and mindspace to process them. It’s also important to remember that what you feel is not what you are. You’re not defined by your emotions. More on this mindset can be found in one of my favorite Ted Talks here.

So in all honestly, yeah, I still get a little down about it sometimes, but that's okay – I'm okay! I have a big heart, and I feel things very deeply – that’s not a bad thing. Overall, I feel happy and empowered. I know what I deserve, and I know the kind of love I want. I hope you know that as well. I hope you know that your love deserves to be celebrated, and you deserve to be undoubtedly chosen day after day. You deserve to be fought for and loved as deeply as you love. So just keep working on yourself and being unapologetically you in the meantime.

I encourage you to take back your power – I promise it feels really good! Stay tuned for part two where I'll be talking more about that :-)

From the bottom of my heart, thank you so much for being here.


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